Salt

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by Michael The Moviegoer.
SALT = zero stars

“Re-Heating The Cold War”

Angelina Jolie is a double (or triple) agent in the new action spy thriller “Salt”. I was astonished by its stupidity. Even by the fact that the script, director and the actors were all taking it so seriously. How did they keep a straight face without cracking up?

I can’t discuss the plot at all without spoilers, so sorry. I’ll just tell you what you already know from the promos. Jolie plays CIA agent Evelyn Salt who is suspected of possibly being a Russian spy. A great premise and ever so timely now that Russian spies are back in the news. Is the Cold War heating up again?

This movie is wall-to-wall action and never pauses to catch its breath. Clearly “Salt” wants to be a female ‘Bourne’ franchise. But the ‘Bourne’ films had intelligence. “Salt” isn’t operating on even a single brain cell.

The action is cartoonish. The stunts defy logic. The dialogue could have been written by a 6th grader after a viewing of “War Games”. And then there’s the usually reliable James Newton Howard giving us one of his worst scores ever making street drilling sound more symphonic by comparison.

Back in 1989, director Phillip Noyce showed such promise with the thriller “Dead Calm”. That movie contained only three actors (including Nicole Kidman) who are stuck out at sea on a disabled boat. It showed that Noyce certainly has a feel for the less-is-more formula. But with “Salt” he pours it on heavy. More never seems to be enough.

Even the make-up defies logic. Blood and bruises are everywhere on Jolie’s body except her trademark lips always remain moist and untouched. Oh, and her hair never seems to look less than cover-girl perfect even after jumping off a freeway overpass onto a speeding tanker truck.

“Salt” is a major disappointment on every level. It arrives unsalted and completely nuts!

DVD Double Feature: A computer simulation of a Russian nuclear missile attack is mistaken for the real thing in the classic 1983 thriller “War Games”. Matthew Broderick is a high school kid who accidentally taps into the government’s missile defense computer to play a game. Some of the dialogue in “Salt” during a potential missile-launching moment seems to have been lifted right out of this screenplay.